I understand that not everyone thinks, believes, operates, and loves like I do. So if you disagree with whatever I say, that is completely fine. This is what I had to find out and discover on my own through my own journey of ups and downs.
Communication is hands down one of the most important part that holds the relationship together. If you are unable to communicate and get your thoughts, feelings, and emotions across effectively and accurately to one another, it will be hard in the future. Whether it is through means of verbal, technological or even cellular communication, you both should find a way that works for you.
For me personally, I realized that I prefer a specific method of communication and created a step-by-step bullet list so my fiancé can follow to help me communicate and understand me better.
- Calm me down (if I am upset)
- A big hug
- Confirm that I understand that he understands me
- Find a way to tackle that problem
I try not to be so emotional, but when compared with my fiancé, Josh, I am the volcano of emotion and hormones. Haha. That’s not always a bad thing, because I can overpower the negative energy vibes with my overly happy energy.
I came up with this list not to be robots, but so that we communicate with each other effectively. It has been a working progress, but things have been good.
Don’t forget that fighting or arguing doesn’t necessarily mean you both aren’t meant for each other. Sometimes it’s the complete opposite. For example, if I didn’t care even the slightest bit, I wouldn’t even argue or express any negative emotion to another person. Instead, I would’ve just kept my distance or even completely abandon the relationship all together. However, for me, the fact that I am expressing my discontentment or sadness and try to help my significant other understand and comfort me, is my way of opening up to Josh and in the end becoming more closer than we have ever been before.
Honesty goes along side-by-side with Communication. Being honest while you communicate and express yourself around your significant other is very important.
I know that a lot of people will be coming from different walks of life and may have developed a strong defense against people from being hurt by people in the past. I can’t say I will be able to emphasize with you 100%, but I also have been in your shoes and somewhat still am in one. All men in my immediate family reflected negativity towards men for me. My biological father, who I vaguely recall drinking, doing drugs, gambling, and physically abusing my mom, made me realize that marriage doesn’t mean perfect romantic relationship. In fact, things will get tougher from there. My brother physically abused me till I ended high school so, I wasn’t very impressed with that either. Things between my brother and I are ok now, but not close.
I wanted to give you a short background blurb so you know that I am speaking from a place of someone who is insecure, negative, and frightened of men.
From my first relationship to now, I realized something, you gotta be honest. From a girl who grew up watching all sorts of Korean dramas, I thought romantic relationships went something along the lines of someone who cares about me so much that they can guess my feelings and actions.
Although somewhat that might be true, but that should not be like that all the time.
Whether you are angry, upset, sad, or jelly, you gotta be honest. It is not fair for your significant other to constant play the guessing game. They are not you. They cannot know exactly what you are thinking, how you want to be comforted and how you are at the moment. So you got to talk and verbally be transparent.
I personally am not very good at guessing someone else’s actions and thoughts. Same goes for guys. And getting upset because the other person failed to act and comfort you in the exact what you “imagined it” is cruel and wrong. You can’t expect them to act that out exactly or say it exactly without them knowing.
So be honest. I know it’s hard and I know it might feel like you giving secrets away, but if you want to build an honest, healthy relationship, you got to be open and honest.
What if they take your honesty and hurt you?
That has happened to me before as well. For me personally, I decided that whatever relationship I commit myself into, that I would give my 100%. That means to love, to communicate, and be honest 100%. Whatever percentage the other person is giving doesn’t matter. As long as I am true to myself, my feelings, and my commitments, that what matters to me.
Have you heard the phrase “Go big or go home.” Kinda like that.
If you hold onto some parts and not give your all, when it ends, you will be filled with regret. But if you give it your all, did everything, and nothing worked out? Then you can leave that relationship with a clean slate.
If you think about it, you did 100% and that person did not accept, appreciate, or care enough to work things out, then that person wasn’t deserving of you.
3. Know What You Want
It’s important to know what you want.
How do you find out what you want?
For me, it was through mindful and smart dating. Whenever I would meet and associate with guys or go on dates, I tried to reflect and analyze what made me happy and sad. Being mindful also allowed me to understand my needs without having to go through multiple romantic relationships. So my dating spree was very very short. Because when I met Josh, I already knew what I wanted.
Here’s what I wanted when I met Josh:
- Someone who is responsible
- Someone who has passion, whether that may be in racing, work, gym, etc.
- Someone who is well read and smart, to have meaningful conversations and debates
- Someone who also knew what he wanted
- Someone with very similar marriage and parenting goals
- Someone who appreciated me when I am in my work scrubs or in sweats.
- Someone who is real, not fake.
When we go on dates, we tend to feel the need to dress up and go somewhere fancy. Even act a bit more generous or put on a performance you would never ever do again.
When I first met Josh, he was in his everyday work clothes which was a simple jacket, jeans, shirt, and sneakers. That is it. On the other hand, I dressed up in a black skirt, white blouse, and a black top hat. Since the day we met till now, Josh has never changed. He has always been so warm, loving and himself. Because he was so at home and relaxed, it helped put me at ease.
Of course on special occasions, he does dress a bit nicer, but all in all, I am so glad I did not meet a chameleon.
That is it for my top 3 qualities I look for in romantic relationships. LOL Well I’m about to get married so I’ll be polishing and working on all three of these with my fiancé, Josh, for the rest of our lives together. But for those who are still out on the lookout, I hope these will help.